Fred's Evil Plan to Take over the World

2011-12-10T16:17:00.002-05:00

Minions, Tree Season is upon us. When furthering The Plan, it's important not to overlook the 'sanity' factor. I am creating a small list of simple things you can do for maximum sanity-reducing effect. By the end of Tree Season, we'll have the Furless ones begging for mercy.

1 - Ribbons on boxes underneath the tree are clearly gifts for you. Every human knows that cats like to play with these.
2 - Paper-covered boxes are to be torn open. Humans will have no secrets from us.
3 - Balls hanging from tree branches are to be batted until they fall from the tree.
4 - At least one ball should be hidden underneath heavy furniture so your Man or Woman doesn't find it until well past Tree Season.
5 - Another ball should be stored in a more accessible place for batting around on wood floors in the middle of the night.
6 - Shrubbery that hangs from bannisters, windows, and/or doors should be torn down.
7 - If your Man or Woman sets up cards on shelves or tables, they should be knocked over on a regular basis.
8 - Small statue-thingies that are placed on shelves make a particularly displeasing-to-humans sound when they hit the floor.
9 - Trees are for climbing, every cat knows this.
10 - DON'T EAT that glittery stuff or those plants with the red berries. Those are devious plots by the humans to make us ill.

Happy Tree Season and human tormenting to all!

Fred out.

2011-11-25T13:14:00.005-05:00

Once again, that day when the humans have all that food and give us none of it has come and gone. Man and Woman went out for their feast and returned with NOTHING! I'd be very cross with them if it were not for one thing: the feast day always heralds the beginning of Tree season.

Soon, Man and Woman will pull out that pole with all those little plastic branches and set it up. Then they will hang little targets or balls or whatever from it. Now, those meezers, Jack and Benton, may be absolutely useless when it comes to furthering my plan on a global level, but they do destroy Woman's sanity during Tree season. Nothing she can say or do will keep them from attempting to dismantle that monstrosity.

I am rubbing my paws together in anticipation. Mwuhahahahahaha. Mwuhahahahahaha! MWUHAHAHAHAHAHA!

2011-09-19T07:25:00.003-04:00

Aha! My minions, I have good news to report. As many of you must know by now, applying the shredders to the tender pink skin of Man or Woman usually results in much screaming and yelling. Not a result that displeases by any means, however, I've recently found a better way.

Woman has been forcing some foul-flavored liquid down my throat several times a day for weeks now. On a side note, if any of my minions know what this bubblegum flavor is, please let me know. At any rate, what I have discovered is that applying the shredders to Woman's easily torn skin during this frequent event does not yield the expected result. In fact, rather than yell or scream, Woman actually pets me and whispers words that, I assume, are intended to soothe me.

Mwuhahahahaha! She is totally under my control now.

2011-08-14T09:10:00.004-04:00

A missive to my minions:

Mother Nature has foiled my plans for the day. How can I attempt to reach the outside world when gallons of water are being dumped from the sky?

First of all I would get wet. Now, it's not that I'm vain, but my chief weapon in spreading evil is my ability to make humans submit to my incredibly cute appearance and soft gentle meow. I have found during my experimentation that wet fur is not nearly as enticing to humans as dry fur.

Furthermore, it seems that, for some reason, my meow becomes shrill when I'm wet. I've checked my Feline-ential Equations book, written by the great historical mathematician Meowler, and found no correlation between a wet condition and the meow, so I remain baffled about that.

At any rate, the verdict is ... there will be no furthering of The Plan today. I recommend cat naps for all, so we are well rested for future endeavors.

The Fred out.

2011-07-27T09:16:00.003-04:00

Good news, Minions!

The Plan must be working because, once again, Woman packed me into the portable prison to take me to see the Head Torturer. This can only mean that Man and Woman are getting nervous about my progress.

I've stepped up my attacks to include some messy house-soiling. Woman and Man find this technique particularly loathsome, so they took me to the Torturers house.

I fixed her. While waiting with all the other political prisoners, I soiled my crate - not in the messy manner I had been using at home, but a nice, solid one so when the Head Torturer looked at it, he thought Woman was crazy when she claimed my dirty protest consisted of much messier stuff.

She told Man that I embarrassed her. Hmm, embarrass. This is not a word that appears in any of Fluffy's Guide to Feline Emotions editions that I've ever seen, however, I shall endeavor to cause Woman to be embarrassed in the future, now that I know it displeases her.

2011-07-01T09:05:00.004-04:00

Success! I've been trying to get Black Dog and Brown Dog to further my cause for years.

I know, you're probably wondering why would I, a magnificent cat, expect anything useful from Dogs when it comes to world domination. The silly tail-wagging, panting, joyful greeting they provide Man and Woman with every time they see them, is enough to make any cat have a hairball. However, it's the little things they do that can help. And if they don't want to face the business end of my FLAW-overcoming claws, they have to start producing.

Plus, and don't tell the long-snouted ones this but ... I need Man and Woman to be mad at Black Dog and Brown Dog. How can I take over the world while they're working together to keep the Humans in charge?

Anyway, they must have gotten the memo because Woman went outside to use that loud, grass cutting thing. I've watched from my indoor prison and seen her walk through the yard, picking up any 'present's the dogs may have left.

Today, Brown Dog waited for her to start the loud, grass cutting thing and then left another gift for her in the high grass. When Woman reached that area, she stepped in it. Much stamping around the yard and hosing off of her shoes ensued, followed by a look of disgust that almost warmed my icy heart.

2011-06-18T07:26:00.003-04:00

Finally! One of the meezers has drawn first blood. Can you believe it took him almost FIVE years to complete the Tomcat Maturity ritual??? Woman once again failed to read Fluffy's Guide to Unwanted Human Interference and attempted to clip Jack's claws. Scratch! I yelled to him while he was in her arms. And scratch he did! He might turn out to be a useful minion after all.

2011-06-12T08:29:00.002-04:00

Finally! My plan went on hiatus while I mourned the loss of my minion, Goldie. But I've received word that she's at the Rainbow Bridge recruiting new minions so I can rule in this world and beyond.

Man and Woman were very upset, too. I tried to explain that she was continuing to work on my Evil Plan, but it doesn't seem to have helped.

I recently tried to go outside to further the Plan, but that damned Cloak of Invisibility doesn't work. Woman kept spotting me as I got close to the door.

I looked into the matter of the Cloak. I'm told it does work, but it's the Cloak that's invisible, not the wearer. What moron came up with that idea? Guess I'll stick to the Cape of Evil from now on.

2008-02-09T09:37:00.000-05:00

I have sadly been very negligent in broadcasting the Evil Word to you, my loyal, aspiring minions. I blame Man and Woman (naturally). They have decided to counter my Evil measures with some new techniques, even more cruel than the ear torture thing!

I've mentioned the cruel tooth brushing torture technique used by the Humans in the past. Well, there was some conversation between Man and Woman about 'not working'. I thought they were talking about me, but I can't be expected to work and further the cause of Evil at the same time.

However, it seems they were talking about the tooth brushing. Once again, I was stuffed inside the portable prison, taken outside and brought to the Head Torturer's lair. The Head Torturer in his white coat started poking around in my mouth. It's too bad biting is not my style.

Then he put a cold probe on my chest and said murmur. Hah! Those silly Humans will never learn. It's mrrrrrr, mrrrrr, not murmur. Teaching a human to purr or meow is an exercise in futility.

We went home, and Woman spent the next week putting some disgusting tasting fluid in my mouth twice a day. In revenge, I threw up on her floors for her. I know how much she likes cleaning that stuff up!

A week later, it was back to the Head Torturer's lair. Once again, he failed in his meow attempts and said murmur.

To make matters worse, Woman brought me back there again the next day and LEFT ME! The only good thing was that I used to networking opportunity to spread The Word to all the other kitties in the lair that day. And by the time Woman returned, I had the Head Torturer's lair workers wrapped around my paw.

However, all of this pales in comparison to yesterday's events. Woman brought me there again and left me. I was poked, prodded and stuck with things by the Head Torturer and his assistants. The next thing I know, I'm waking up with teeth missing.

I couldn't get out to throw up on their floor in revenge, so I made a mess of myself in the cage. Ha! They think the poor little kitty couldn't control himself, but I knew exactly what I was doing! REVENGE ... Freddy style. Humans are not nearly as fond of cleaning up cat messes as they should be.

Finally, Woman brought me home. I let them know in no uncertain terms that I had missed two feedings and was hungry. I jumped on every countertop I could. But something was wrong, and I kept falling off. Man then putting the icing on the cake by putting me in the dog crate. Can you imagine? They were trying to watch television, so I meowed pitifully through their whole program. That'll teach them. And, as an added bonus, rather than settle down on the bed as I know Woman wanted me to do, I paced the halls meowing all night.

2007-08-10T13:43:00.001-04:00

My humble apologies to my aspiring minions. I am a little late with this installment. More than a moon ago, those little meezers celebrated their birthday. Man and Woman thought I wanted to celebrate, as well. Hmmph! The indignity of wearing a birthday hat is more than the Fred can stand. Besides, those kittens have yet to complete the Tomcat Maturity ritual. I've explained to them that all they need to do is draw first blood on all non-feline inhabitants of the home. They seemed interested when they thought that only applied to Brown Dog and Black Dog, but when I stressed that putting their mark on Man and Woman was even more important, they hesitated. I knew it, they're just not Fred's Minions material. They even made the Cape of Evil look cute. Blech!

I will kill you for this!

2007-05-21T19:37:00.001-04:00

There's a rumor going around that Man thinks he is going to get his place back in the bed, now that he's not working midnights. Hah! I, the Fred, will not give up my honored place between the pillows. For starters, it tells all that I am the Ruler, the One in Charge. Secondly, it's really comfortable. That pink bas**** can just find another place to sleep. I've worked too hard for this.

I've fought cats, dogs, Woman ... I've earned it!

A good night's sleep is essential to the furtherment of my Plan. Man will feel the Wrath of Fred, trust me. Nothing says I Hate You like a Claw to the Head in the middle of the night. This spot is mine!!!

2007-03-30T19:20:00.000-04:00

This week has brought new horrors to me at the hands of my torturers. What does ear infection mean? I can't find it in my Guide to Unacceptable Human Interference, but it must be some sort of torture technique. First, I got stuffed in a very small cage, then I was taken outside. My evil heart leapt for joy at the scent of fresh air ... until I realized the pinkies had taken the torture to an unsurpassed high! I could not get free from my prison.

Then Woman took me into another building, where other cats that have not yet joined my minions were also being held in prison cells. To my horror, several dogs were also there and none of them were Black Dog or Brown Dog.

Then we went into another room where I was finally freed from my cell. However, the scents that assailed my nose led me to believe that this was not an acceptable place from which to mount my quest for global domination, so I stayed put.

Another pinkie wearing a white coat, started sticking all sorts of things in my ear. They then placed me back in my cell and Woman took me home.

Now, the torture occurs twice a day. They stick cotton in my ear and move it all around. Than a cold liquid is put in my ear and allowed to trickle down inside my brain. Then they squish my ear around and I hear the liquid trying to eat my brain. Do they think this will stop my quest? Never! Foolish pinkies.

Fred will prevail. FRED WILL PREVAIL!!

2007-03-22T18:22:00.000-04:00

Hah! The pinkies bought new beds for Black Dog and Brown Dog (Woman says that Puppy is no longer Puppy, but Dog, so to avoid ambiguities, I shall refer to them by their color schemes).

Why, you may wonder, do Black Dog and Brown Dog get new beds while I, Soon-to-be-Master of all Things Furry and Bald, have to use a scratching post that is frayed and bare? It seems that Man was feeling crowded with Black Dog, Brown Dog, and all my minions in the bed and he wants Black Dog and Brown Dog to sleep on the floor.

Not that I mind the banishment of the Long-snouted ones from the bed, however I find the new beds pleasing to my Freddyness. The Begging Ones will have to sleep around me. It is very easy to convince Black Dog to sneak onto the end of the bed, where she will surely be on the receiving end of OFF. While she is up there, I stretch out on the bed, making sure she has no room when she returns.

And when I tire of that Game, I plop myself down on the pillows in the middle of the bed, between Man and Woman, defying them to move the cuteness that is Fred.

2007-02-06T09:36:00.000-05:00

I'm here to report that it is still far too cold to further my exploits in support of The Plan. In fact, I haven't left this heating vent for weeks. Woman feels bad that I am obviously not warm in enough, so she brings my food to me so I can eat by the warmth.

This pose is part of my signature move, what Man and Woman call the Drop & Roll. The feline name for it is Operation Awwww and Obey. They think it is so cute that they'll accede to my every cat whim. They are totally in my power!

2007-01-16T21:11:00.000-05:00

That's right. I've got some plush toys to keep me company. What? Only cute, furry, non-evil creatures can love their wittle Willard and their Dovey Ducky? That's a rather narrow-minded view, don't you think? Beside, my plush toys are inherently evil.

I will continue to work on my evil plan, but it's too cold to try and get outside right now. Part of being evil is knowing when to take advantage of the warmth of silly humans. I curl up next to them at night. They are fooled into thinking this is cute. I am actually sucking the warmth right out of their bodies!!!

Mwooo Haa haa haa haa haa!

2006-12-24T13:14:00.000-05:00

Mwoo ha ha!! Phase I of The Plan is complete! Woman now cooks for me! I knew she would succumb to my mastery! Woman kept muttering something about commercial food and my stool, but I prefer to sit on beds and tables, so I don't know what she was on about.

Finally, I get decent food. Chicken ... and some other stuff that I really don't care about. I just like the chicken. Now, I will finally be able to muster the strength to continue working on World Domination, opposable thumbs or not.

Back off, Bozo, that's my dinner cooking ...

2006-12-10T09:04:00.000-05:00

Breakfast was late.

This morning, Man brought a brown paper bag into the house. When Woman opened it, I smelled eggs and ham. I patiently watched, although my tail may have twitched a bit, as they laughed and ate, oblivious to my hunger pangs. To add insult to injury, they gave small remains of their breakfast to Dog and Puppy.

Not one to take such insult sitting down, I jumped up and told them to feed me in no uncertain terms. Man had the audacity to taunt me, laughing a torturer's laugh as he asked me if I was hungry and then telling me that he wasn't since he had eaten, adding that I might have already eaten if I had opposable thumbs! The nerve! As Fred (that's me) always says, "Mentioning the Flaw will get you The Claw!" The cruelty of Man makes Woman's nail clipping and fur brushing sessions seem tame. It would seem that, while she is practiced in the art of Cat Torture in the name of Cat Care, Man is a Master of Cruelty for his own amusement.

Man's miscalculation in all this is that he has forgotten to take into account that I am Fred, Evil Incarnate. As the great philosopher and feline military leader, Patches, once said, "He who purrs last, purrs loudest." And nobody outpurrs Fred! Fortunately for me, Man is hopeless at hiding his things. Unlike Woman, who puts her belongings in drawers that prevent access to those with the Flaw, Man leaves his things lying about. Plenty of opportunity for an intelligent, patient Cat to take his revenge.

I heard Woman mention The Tree yesterday. If those silly Humans put that Tree thing in the living room again, Vengeance is Mine!!!

2006-12-02T10:32:00.000-05:00

What a week! Woman and Man took the Siamese kittens out for a long time for neutering. I am unsure what this means, so I'll just check what it says about it in Fluffy's Guide to Unwanted Human Interference ... let's see, bathing, fur brushing, nail trimming, tooth brushing - oops, too far - ah, here it is. Neutering ... AAAAARGH!!!! They've gone too far! Now, I am as critical of the bizarre social antics of those kittens as the next tom but WOW! What did they do to deserve this? Wait. They took me to that place once and left me. I don't remember much ... could it be? Oh, cruel world. Can't ... speak ... must ... go ... ponder ... REVENGE!!!

I'm always watching ... waiting ...

2006-11-19T20:17:00.000-05:00

Gathering my minions ...

2006-11-16T18:47:00.000-05:00

I will never forgive Woman! I received an invitation to the CAPED (Cute And Precious Evil Doers) Ball, so I got out my fancy dress suit, fluffed my fur and sharpened my claws, but Woman would not open the door. Do you have any idea how humiliating it is to be all dressed up with a place to go but unable to open a stupid door because you lack opposable thumbs???? Do you have any idea what a great networking opportunity the CAPED Ball is?? A chance to spend time in the presence of other evil beings ... denied!

This means war, Woman!

2006-10-31T20:05:00.000-05:00

Aaargh! Woman caught me! I pretend to curl up lovingly next to Dog every night to put them off their guard. I was just getting ready to show Dog the business end of Fred's Mighty Paw when Woman snapped a photo! WTF, as the humans would say! It's the middle of the night, dark in the room - a perfect time for me to enact one of the little parcels that make up my Master Plan, and off goes the camera flash. I will get that camera away from her.

And not only the camera. I've got a list of items that need to be removed from my torturer's grasp: camera, cat tooth brush (I'll leave the dog tooth brush, those beasts are too stupid to realize how dumb brushing one's fangs is), and the fur brush (only Dyson is allowed to mess with Fred's Fur).

Once these items have been disposed of, I can once again concentrate on the Plan.

If this isn't an evil smile, then I don't know what is. Mwoooo ha ha ha ha ha!!

2006-10-16T19:29:00.000-04:00

Today, I gave a speech to my minnions. For a few glorious moments, all eyes were on Fred.

Come Tabbies, come meezers, come cats black and gray,
Listen while I tell you my plan of the day.

The humans won't help us, they don't understand,
The FLAW interferes with Fred's Evil Plan.

Escape, yes we must, it's our right - we'll not stop,
'Til we've meowed, purred and clawed our way right to the top.

Those mousies they give us are a fiendish, bad ploy,
They fill them with drugs, and say it's a toy.

They dangle their treats as if we can be bought,
Stand tight and resist, so the humans are taught.

Now here's my demand, don't play deaf and dumb,
I need it right now, so GIVE ME MY THUMB!

2006-10-13T17:13:00.000-04:00

Woman was late with the feeding today. I meowed at her at precisely 4:20 in the afternoon, the exact time that I expect food to appear in the little metal dishes. She had the audacity to use words such as wait and patience, but those words do not appear in the Tom Cat's Guide to Acceptable Ordinary English Usage. Has she not read the book?

If I am to take over the Universe, I will need a more reliable food servant. I am endeavoring to come up with a suitable punishment for Woman. Hmmm, maybe I'll have a look at those curtains she is so fond of. Yes, that's it. I may have to wait a few days to exact my punishment, for Woman has also had the nerve to cut my claws today all because of one little swipe at a kitten. Hmmmph.

2006-10-05T19:53:00.000-04:00

I have been subjected to the ultimate humiliation at the hands of humans - they brushed my teeth! How disgusting is this? I did my best to tear holes in their flesh in an attempt to stop the torture - all to no avail (although I am proud to say I drew First Blood - picture me with a bandana wrapped around my head emerging dramatically from a rice paddy armed with an AK-47 ... alright ... armed with sharp, pointy claws as deadly as any assault weapon).

As they have clearly decided to escalate their mistreatment of me to include humiliation and torture, I have decided to up the ante. I will no longer be satisfied with global domination. I must conquer the universe.

Must ... get ... opposable thumbs!

2006-10-01T17:47:00.000-04:00

Someday, all of that will be mine! Mwoo ha ha ha ha ha! Mwoo ha ha ha ha ha!Hey, it's not easy to do an evil laugh when your primary spoken word is meow.

I think I'll need to enlist the help of Dog or Puppy in order to escape my current circumstance. That shouldn't be too difficult, throw a morsel of food at them and they think they are your friend for life.

It seems they are allowed out for recreational purposes. This is discriminatory and Woman is obviously a specist. She goes out with Dog and Puppy and plays catch and frisbee with them. The only recreation I am granted is the pleasure of chasing a toy attached to the end of a string. There is a good side to this activity, however. If planned correctly, one can jump and bat at the toy in such a way as to land on the head of the other felines in the house. In particular, this is a good way of getting at the runt Stuff Kitty and the kittens, Benton and Jack. Sometimes, Woman even laughs at this (see, my evil is spreading)!

Anyway, as I was saying, I think I shall enlist the dogs to make a distraction as they are exiting, leaving me free to make my escape. If planned correctly, they can take too long to get out (something which always makes Woman upset), leaving the door open. I can simply engage my Camoufloge Cloak and saunter out with the dogs and Woman will be none the wiser.

To date this plan has not worked, but I blame Dogs for that. They are obviously doing something to interfere with my Camoufloge Cloak, for Woman spots me approaching the door every time.

2006-09-28T19:13:00.000-04:00

I've got a new plan ... well, not really, my plan still is to achieve World Domination, but I think I have located a new ally in my quest. It's called a Dyson.

I've learned that bad, evil things are said by humans to suck. This Dyson also sucks. Therefore, using Fluffy's Third Corrollary to Blackie's Law of Ridiculous Relational Properties, the Dyson must be evil. If you've never studied Feline-ential Equations, the logic is probably over your human head.

Woman thinks she can control this machine, but I have seen it eat curtains of its own volition. This upsets her and makes a terrible noise. Unlike my fellow feline house dwellers and the dumb dogs, I am not afraid of Dyson. Nay, I feel a strange camaraderie with it as it also suffers from the MAIN FLAW. I like the feel of my coat being thinned of loose fur by this device and follow Woman around while she attempts to exhibit her mastery over it. She gets annoyed because I always seem to trip her while she is doing battle, but ... sigh ... evil dictates that I must take its side over hers.

2006-09-26T11:05:00.000-04:00

It's about time I started my journal. After all, if I am to succeed in world domination, wouldn't it be nice to document my progress?

I chose to cohabitate with a human family during my quest for dominance. They have a soft spot for furry beings and I have to share the house with a number of cats and even some (it pains me to say it) dogs. But this is good because the humans are easily fooled by my barely audible meow and my soft fur. Unfortunately, I have not yet found a way to convince them to act as a sort of prosthesis for me in order that I may overcome the MAIN FLAW.

Today, the woman had chicken. With the help of housemates Darius, Stuff Kitty and Goldie, I managed to convince Woman that we needed the chicken more than she! It requires a lot of energy to take over the world, so I did my best to steal the chicken that was intended for the others through the use of an ingenious food inhalation technique that I have perfected. It enables me to eat so fast that I am easily able to grab the extra pieces put out for the others before they get them. Apparently, being evil also burns calories, because I have maintained my exquisite feline physique.

Fortunately, the two Siamese kittens were locked in another room, so I didn't have to bully them away. They are so persistent that I sometimes have to be quite mean to them. This is very annoying because Woman notices and starts to see through my sweet kitty disguise.