Saturday, February 04, 2012

Victory Will Be Mine ...

... sayeth The Fred!

Finally, the humans have bent to my will and created a device to overcome The Flaw! Using Woman's new device, I will surely be able to achieve World Domination. I don't need thumbs, all I have to do is press my paws in the right spot and the little box does all sorts of things - not the least of which is to make woman scream. Mwuhahahahaha!

Now, do any of my minions know what an Interweb is?

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Minions, Tree Season is upon us. When furthering The Plan, it's important not to overlook the 'sanity' factor. I am creating a small list of simple things you can do for maximum sanity-reducing effect. By the end of Tree Season, we'll have the Furless ones begging for mercy.

1 - Ribbons on boxes underneath the tree are clearly gifts for you. Every human knows that cats like to play with these.
2 - Paper-covered boxes are to be torn open. Humans will have no secrets from us.
3 - Balls hanging from tree branches are to be batted until they fall from the tree.
4 - At least one ball should be hidden underneath heavy furniture so your Man or Woman doesn't find it until well past Tree Season.
5 - Another ball should be stored in a more accessible place for batting around on wood floors in the middle of the night.
6 - Shrubbery that hangs from bannisters, windows, and/or doors should be torn down.
7 - If your Man or Woman sets up cards on shelves or tables, they should be knocked over on a regular basis.
8 - Small statue-thingies that are placed on shelves make a particularly displeasing-to-humans sound when they hit the floor.
9 - Trees are for climbing, every cat knows this.
10 - DON'T EAT that glittery stuff or those plants with the red berries. Those are devious plots by the humans to make us ill.

Happy Tree Season and human tormenting to all!

Fred out.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Once again, that day when the humans have all that food and give us none of it has come and gone. Man and Woman went out for their feast and returned with NOTHING! I'd be very cross with them if it were not for one thing: the feast day always heralds the beginning of Tree season.

Soon, Man and Woman will pull out that pole with all those little plastic branches and set it up. Then they will hang little targets or balls or whatever from it. Now, those meezers, Jack and Benton, may be absolutely useless when it comes to furthering my plan on a global level, but they do destroy Woman's sanity during Tree season. Nothing she can say or do will keep them from attempting to dismantle that monstrosity.

I am rubbing my paws together in anticipation. Mwuhahahahahaha. Mwuhahahahahaha! MWUHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Monday, September 19, 2011

Aha! My minions, I have good news to report. As many of you must know by now, applying the shredders to the tender pink skin of Man or Woman usually results in much screaming and yelling. Not a result that displeases by any means, however, I've recently found a better way.

Woman has been forcing some foul-flavored liquid down my throat several times a day for weeks now. On a side note, if any of my minions know what this bubblegum flavor is, please let me know. At any rate, what I have discovered is that applying the shredders to Woman's easily torn skin during this frequent event does not yield the expected result. In fact, rather than yell or scream, Woman actually pets me and whispers words that, I assume, are intended to soothe me.

Mwuhahahahaha! She is totally under my control now.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

A missive to my minions:

Mother Nature has foiled my plans for the day. How can I attempt to reach the outside world when gallons of water are being dumped from the sky?

First of all I would get wet. Now, it's not that I'm vain, but my chief weapon in spreading evil is my ability to make humans submit to my incredibly cute appearance and soft gentle meow. I have found during my experimentation that wet fur is not nearly as enticing to humans as dry fur.

Furthermore, it seems that, for some reason, my meow becomes shrill when I'm wet. I've checked my Feline-ential Equations book, written by the great historical mathematician Meowler, and found no correlation between a wet condition and the meow, so I remain baffled about that.

At any rate, the verdict is ... there will be no furthering of The Plan today. I recommend cat naps for all, so we are well rested for future endeavors.

The Fred out.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Good news, Minions!

The Plan must be working because, once again, Woman packed me into the portable prison to take me to see the Head Torturer. This can only mean that Man and Woman are getting nervous about my progress.

I've stepped up my attacks to include some messy house-soiling. Woman and Man find this technique particularly loathsome, so they took me to the Torturers house.

I fixed her. While waiting with all the other political prisoners, I soiled my crate - not in the messy manner I had been using at home, but a nice, solid one so when the Head Torturer looked at it, he thought Woman was crazy when she claimed my dirty protest consisted of much messier stuff.

She told Man that I embarrassed her. Hmm, embarrass. This is not a word that appears in any of Fluffy's Guide to Feline Emotions editions that I've ever seen, however, I shall endeavor to cause Woman to be embarrassed in the future, now that I know it displeases her.

Friday, July 01, 2011

Success! I've been trying to get Black Dog and Brown Dog to further my cause for years.

I know, you're probably wondering why would I, a magnificent cat, expect anything useful from Dogs when it comes to world domination. The silly tail-wagging, panting, joyful greeting they provide Man and Woman with every time they see them, is enough to make any cat have a hairball. However, it's the little things they do that can help. And if they don't want to face the business end of my FLAW-overcoming claws, they have to start producing.

Plus, and don't tell the long-snouted ones this but ... I need Man and Woman to be mad at Black Dog and Brown Dog. How can I take over the world while they're working together to keep the Humans in charge?

Anyway, they must have gotten the memo because Woman went outside to use that loud, grass cutting thing. I've watched from my indoor prison and seen her walk through the yard, picking up any 'present's the dogs may have left.

Today, Brown Dog waited for her to start the loud, grass cutting thing and then left another gift for her in the high grass. When Woman reached that area, she stepped in it. Much stamping around the yard and hosing off of her shoes ensued, followed by a look of disgust that almost warmed my icy heart.