I have sadly been very negligent in broadcasting the Evil Word to you, my loyal, aspiring minions. I blame Man and Woman (naturally). They have decided to counter my Evil measures with some new techniques, even more cruel than the ear torture thing!

I've mentioned the cruel tooth brushing torture technique used by the Humans in the past. Well, there was some conversation between Man and Woman about 'not working'. I thought they were talking about me, but I can't be expected to work and further the cause of Evil at the same time.

However, it seems they were talking about the tooth brushing. Once again, I was stuffed inside the portable prison, taken outside and brought to the Head Torturer's lair. The Head Torturer in his white coat started poking around in my mouth. It's too bad biting is not my style.

Then he put a cold probe on my chest and said murmur. Hah! Those silly Humans will never learn. It's mrrrrrr, mrrrrr, not murmur. Teaching a human to purr or meow is an exercise in futility.

We went home, and Woman spent the next week putting some disgusting tasting fluid in my mouth twice a day. In revenge, I threw up on her floors for her. I know how much she likes cleaning that stuff up!

A week later, it was back to the Head Torturer's lair. Once again, he failed in his meow attempts and said murmur.

To make matters worse, Woman brought me back there again the next day and LEFT ME! The only good thing was that I used to networking opportunity to spread The Word to all the other kitties in the lair that day. And by the time Woman returned, I had the Head Torturer's lair workers wrapped around my paw.

However, all of this pales in comparison to yesterday's events. Woman brought me there again and left me. I was poked, prodded and stuck with things by the Head Torturer and his assistants. The next thing I know, I'm waking up with teeth missing.

I couldn't get out to throw up on their floor in revenge, so I made a mess of myself in the cage. Ha! They think the poor little kitty couldn't control himself, but I knew exactly what I was doing! REVENGE ... Freddy style. Humans are not nearly as fond of cleaning up cat messes as they should be.

Finally, Woman brought me home. I let them know in no uncertain terms that I had missed two feedings and was hungry. I jumped on every countertop I could. But something was wrong, and I kept falling off. Man then putting the icing on the cake by putting me in the dog crate. Can you imagine? They were trying to watch television, so I meowed pitifully through their whole program. That'll teach them. And, as an added bonus, rather than settle down on the bed as I know Woman wanted me to do, I paced the halls meowing all night.

My humble apologies to my aspiring minions. I am a little late with this installment. More than a moon ago, those little meezers celebrated their birthday. Man and Woman thought I wanted to celebrate, as well. Hmmph! The indignity of wearing a birthday hat is more than the Fred can stand. Besides, those kittens have yet to complete the Tomcat Maturity ritual. I've explained to them that all they need to do is draw first blood on all non-feline inhabitants of the home. They seemed interested when they thought that only applied to Brown Dog and Black Dog, but when I stressed that putting their mark on Man and Woman was even more important, they hesitated. I knew it, they're just not Fred's Minions material. They even made the Cape of Evil look cute. Blech!

I will kill you for this!

There's a rumor going around that Man thinks he is going to get his place back in the bed, now that he's not working midnights. Hah! I, the Fred, will not give up my honored place between the pillows. For starters, it tells all that I am the Ruler, the One in Charge. Secondly, it's really comfortable. That pink bas**** can just find another place to sleep. I've worked too hard for this.

I've fought cats, dogs, Woman ... I've earned it!


A good night's sleep is essential to the furtherment of my Plan. Man will feel the Wrath of Fred, trust me. Nothing says I Hate You like a Claw to the Head in the middle of the night. This spot is mine!!!

This week has brought new horrors to me at the hands of my torturers. What does ear infection mean? I can't find it in my Guide to Unacceptable Human Interference, but it must be some sort of torture technique. First, I got stuffed in a very small cage, then I was taken outside. My evil heart leapt for joy at the scent of fresh air ... until I realized the pinkies had taken the torture to an unsurpassed high! I could not get free from my prison.

Then Woman took me into another building, where other cats that have not yet joined my minions were also being held in prison cells. To my horror, several dogs were also there and none of them were Black Dog or Brown Dog.

Then we went into another room where I was finally freed from my cell. However, the scents that assailed my nose led me to believe that this was not an acceptable place from which to mount my quest for global domination, so I stayed put.

Another pinkie wearing a white coat, started sticking all sorts of things in my ear. They then placed me back in my cell and Woman took me home.

Now, the torture occurs twice a day. They stick cotton in my ear and move it all around. Than a cold liquid is put in my ear and allowed to trickle down inside my brain. Then they squish my ear around and I hear the liquid trying to eat my brain. Do they think this will stop my quest? Never! Foolish pinkies.

Fred will prevail. FRED WILL PREVAIL!!

Hah! The pinkies bought new beds for Black Dog and Brown Dog (Woman says that Puppy is no longer Puppy, but Dog, so to avoid ambiguities, I shall refer to them by their color schemes).

Why, you may wonder, do Black Dog and Brown Dog get new beds while I, Soon-to-be-Master of all Things Furry and Bald, have to use a scratching post that is frayed and bare? It seems that Man was feeling crowded with Black Dog, Brown Dog, and all my minions in the bed and he wants Black Dog and Brown Dog to sleep on the floor.

Not that I mind the banishment of the Long-snouted ones from the bed, however I find the new beds pleasing to my Freddyness. The Begging Ones will have to sleep around me. It is very easy to convince Black Dog to sneak onto the end of the bed, where she will surely be on the receiving end of OFF. While she is up there, I stretch out on the bed, making sure she has no room when she returns.

And when I tire of that Game, I plop myself down on the pillows in the middle of the bed, between Man and Woman, defying them to move the cuteness that is Fred.

I'm here to report that it is still far too cold to further my exploits in support of The Plan. In fact, I haven't left this heating vent for weeks. Woman feels bad that I am obviously not warm in enough, so she brings my food to me so I can eat by the warmth.

This pose is part of my signature move, what Man and Woman call the Drop & Roll. The feline name for it is Operation Awwww and Obey. They think it is so cute that they'll accede to my every cat whim. They are totally in my power!

That's right. I've got some plush toys to keep me company. What? Only cute, furry, non-evil creatures can love their wittle Willard and their Dovey Ducky? That's a rather narrow-minded view, don't you think? Beside, my plush toys are inherently evil.

I will continue to work on my evil plan, but it's too cold to try and get outside right now. Part of being evil is knowing when to take advantage of the warmth of silly humans. I curl up next to them at night. They are fooled into thinking this is cute. I am actually sucking the warmth right out of their bodies!!!

Mwooo Haa haa haa haa haa!