Mwoo ha ha!! Phase I of The Plan is complete! Woman now cooks for me! I knew she would succumb to my mastery! Woman kept muttering something about commercial food and my stool, but I prefer to sit on beds and tables, so I don't know what she was on about.

Finally, I get decent food. Chicken ... and some other stuff that I really don't care about. I just like the chicken. Now, I will finally be able to muster the strength to continue working on World Domination, opposable thumbs or not.

Back off, Bozo, that's my dinner cooking ...

Breakfast was late.

This morning, Man brought a brown paper bag into the house. When Woman opened it, I smelled eggs and ham. I patiently watched, although my tail may have twitched a bit, as they laughed and ate, oblivious to my hunger pangs. To add insult to injury, they gave small remains of their breakfast to Dog and Puppy.

Not one to take such insult sitting down, I jumped up and told them to feed me in no uncertain terms. Man had the audacity to taunt me, laughing a torturer's laugh as he asked me if I was hungry and then telling me that he wasn't since he had eaten, adding that I might have already eaten if I had opposable thumbs! The nerve! As Fred (that's me) always says, "Mentioning the Flaw will get you The Claw!" The cruelty of Man makes Woman's nail clipping and fur brushing sessions seem tame. It would seem that, while she is practiced in the art of Cat Torture in the name of Cat Care, Man is a Master of Cruelty for his own amusement.

Man's miscalculation in all this is that he has forgotten to take into account that I am Fred, Evil Incarnate. As the great philosopher and feline military leader, Patches, once said, "He who purrs last, purrs loudest." And nobody outpurrs Fred! Fortunately for me, Man is hopeless at hiding his things. Unlike Woman, who puts her belongings in drawers that prevent access to those with the Flaw, Man leaves his things lying about. Plenty of opportunity for an intelligent, patient Cat to take his revenge.

I heard Woman mention The Tree yesterday. If those silly Humans put that Tree thing in the living room again, Vengeance is Mine!!!

What a week! Woman and Man took the Siamese kittens out for a long time for neutering. I am unsure what this means, so I'll just check what it says about it in Fluffy's Guide to Unwanted Human Interference ... let's see, bathing, fur brushing, nail trimming, tooth brushing - oops, too far - ah, here it is. Neutering ... AAAAARGH!!!! They've gone too far! Now, I am as critical of the bizarre social antics of those kittens as the next tom but WOW! What did they do to deserve this? Wait. They took me to that place once and left me. I don't remember much ... could it be? Oh, cruel world. Can't ... speak ... must ... go ... ponder ... REVENGE!!!

I'm always watching ... waiting ...

Gathering my minions ...

I will never forgive Woman! I received an invitation to the CAPED (Cute And Precious Evil Doers) Ball, so I got out my fancy dress suit, fluffed my fur and sharpened my claws, but Woman would not open the door. Do you have any idea how humiliating it is to be all dressed up with a place to go but unable to open a stupid door because you lack opposable thumbs???? Do you have any idea what a great networking opportunity the CAPED Ball is?? A chance to spend time in the presence of other evil beings ... denied!

This means war, Woman!

Aaargh! Woman caught me! I pretend to curl up lovingly next to Dog every night to put them off their guard. I was just getting ready to show Dog the business end of Fred's Mighty Paw when Woman snapped a photo! WTF, as the humans would say! It's the middle of the night, dark in the room - a perfect time for me to enact one of the little parcels that make up my Master Plan, and off goes the camera flash. I will get that camera away from her.

And not only the camera. I've got a list of items that need to be removed from my torturer's grasp: camera, cat tooth brush (I'll leave the dog tooth brush, those beasts are too stupid to realize how dumb brushing one's fangs is), and the fur brush (only Dyson is allowed to mess with Fred's Fur).

Once these items have been disposed of, I can once again concentrate on the Plan.

If this isn't an evil smile, then I don't know what is. Mwoooo ha ha ha ha ha!!

Today, I gave a speech to my minnions. For a few glorious moments, all eyes were on Fred.

Come Tabbies, come meezers, come cats black and gray,
Listen while I tell you my plan of the day.

The humans won't help us, they don't understand,
The FLAW interferes with Fred's Evil Plan.

Escape, yes we must, it's our right - we'll not stop,
'Til we've meowed, purred and clawed our way right to the top.

Those mousies they give us are a fiendish, bad ploy,
They fill them with drugs, and say it's a toy.

They dangle their treats as if we can be bought,
Stand tight and resist, so the humans are taught.

Now here's my demand, don't play deaf and dumb,
I need it right now, so GIVE ME MY THUMB!

Woman was late with the feeding today. I meowed at her at precisely 4:20 in the afternoon, the exact time that I expect food to appear in the little metal dishes. She had the audacity to use words such as wait and patience, but those words do not appear in the Tom Cat's Guide to Acceptable Ordinary English Usage. Has she not read the book?

If I am to take over the Universe, I will need a more reliable food servant. I am endeavoring to come up with a suitable punishment for Woman. Hmmm, maybe I'll have a look at those curtains she is so fond of. Yes, that's it. I may have to wait a few days to exact my punishment, for Woman has also had the nerve to cut my claws today all because of one little swipe at a kitten. Hmmmph.

I have been subjected to the ultimate humiliation at the hands of humans - they brushed my teeth! How disgusting is this? I did my best to tear holes in their flesh in an attempt to stop the torture - all to no avail (although I am proud to say I drew First Blood - picture me with a bandana wrapped around my head emerging dramatically from a rice paddy armed with an AK-47 ... alright ... armed with sharp, pointy claws as deadly as any assault weapon).

As they have clearly decided to escalate their mistreatment of me to include humiliation and torture, I have decided to up the ante. I will no longer be satisfied with global domination. I must conquer the universe.

Must ... get ... opposable thumbs!

Someday, all of that will be mine! Mwoo ha ha ha ha ha! Mwoo ha ha ha ha ha!Hey, it's not easy to do an evil laugh when your primary spoken word is meow.

I think I'll need to enlist the help of Dog or Puppy in order to escape my current circumstance. That shouldn't be too difficult, throw a morsel of food at them and they think they are your friend for life.

It seems they are allowed out for recreational purposes. This is discriminatory and Woman is obviously a specist. She goes out with Dog and Puppy and plays catch and frisbee with them. The only recreation I am granted is the pleasure of chasing a toy attached to the end of a string. There is a good side to this activity, however. If planned correctly, one can jump and bat at the toy in such a way as to land on the head of the other felines in the house. In particular, this is a good way of getting at the runt Stuff Kitty and the kittens, Benton and Jack. Sometimes, Woman even laughs at this (see, my evil is spreading)!

Anyway, as I was saying, I think I shall enlist the dogs to make a distraction as they are exiting, leaving me free to make my escape. If planned correctly, they can take too long to get out (something which always makes Woman upset), leaving the door open. I can simply engage my Camoufloge Cloak and saunter out with the dogs and Woman will be none the wiser.

To date this plan has not worked, but I blame Dogs for that. They are obviously doing something to interfere with my Camoufloge Cloak, for Woman spots me approaching the door every time.

I've got a new plan ... well, not really, my plan still is to achieve World Domination, but I think I have located a new ally in my quest. It's called a Dyson.

I've learned that bad, evil things are said by humans to suck. This Dyson also sucks. Therefore, using Fluffy's Third Corrollary to Blackie's Law of Ridiculous Relational Properties, the Dyson must be evil. If you've never studied Feline-ential Equations, the logic is probably over your human head.

Woman thinks she can control this machine, but I have seen it eat curtains of its own volition. This upsets her and makes a terrible noise. Unlike my fellow feline house dwellers and the dumb dogs, I am not afraid of Dyson. Nay, I feel a strange camaraderie with it as it also suffers from the MAIN FLAW. I like the feel of my coat being thinned of loose fur by this device and follow Woman around while she attempts to exhibit her mastery over it. She gets annoyed because I always seem to trip her while she is doing battle, but ... sigh ... evil dictates that I must take its side over hers.

It's about time I started my journal. After all, if I am to succeed in world domination, wouldn't it be nice to document my progress?

I chose to cohabitate with a human family during my quest for dominance. They have a soft spot for furry beings and I have to share the house with a number of cats and even some (it pains me to say it) dogs. But this is good because the humans are easily fooled by my barely audible meow and my soft fur. Unfortunately, I have not yet found a way to convince them to act as a sort of prosthesis for me in order that I may overcome the MAIN FLAW.

Today, the woman had chicken. With the help of housemates Darius, Stuff Kitty and Goldie, I managed to convince Woman that we needed the chicken more than she! It requires a lot of energy to take over the world, so I did my best to steal the chicken that was intended for the others through the use of an ingenious food inhalation technique that I have perfected. It enables me to eat so fast that I am easily able to grab the extra pieces put out for the others before they get them. Apparently, being evil also burns calories, because I have maintained my exquisite feline physique.

Fortunately, the two Siamese kittens were locked in another room, so I didn't have to bully them away. They are so persistent that I sometimes have to be quite mean to them. This is very annoying because Woman notices and starts to see through my sweet kitty disguise.