Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Aaargh! Woman caught me! I pretend to curl up lovingly next to Dog every night to put them off their guard. I was just getting ready to show Dog the business end of Fred's Mighty Paw when Woman snapped a photo! WTF, as the humans would say! It's the middle of the night, dark in the room - a perfect time for me to enact one of the little parcels that make up my Master Plan, and off goes the camera flash. I will get that camera away from her.

And not only the camera. I've got a list of items that need to be removed from my torturer's grasp: camera, cat tooth brush (I'll leave the dog tooth brush, those beasts are too stupid to realize how dumb brushing one's fangs is), and the fur brush (only Dyson is allowed to mess with Fred's Fur).

Once these items have been disposed of, I can once again concentrate on the Plan.
If this isn't an evil smile, then I don't know what is. Mwoooo ha ha ha ha ha!!

Monday, October 16, 2006

Today, I gave a speech to my minnions. For a few glorious moments, all eyes were on Fred.

Come Tabbies, come meezers, come cats black and gray,
Listen while I tell you my plan of the day.

The humans won't help us, they don't understand,
The FLAW interferes with Fred's Evil Plan.

Escape, yes we must, it's our right - we'll not stop,
'Til we've meowed, purred and clawed our way right to the top.

Those mousies they give us are a fiendish, bad ploy,
They fill them with drugs, and say it's a toy.

They dangle their treats as if we can be bought,
Stand tight and resist, so the humans are taught.

Now here's my demand, don't play deaf and dumb,
I need it right now, so GIVE ME MY THUMB!

Friday, October 13, 2006

Woman was late with the feeding today. I meowed at her at precisely 4:20 in the afternoon, the exact time that I expect food to appear in the little metal dishes. She had the audacity to use words such as wait and patience, but those words do not appear in the Tom Cat's Guide to Acceptable Ordinary English Usage. Has she not read the book?

If I am to take over the Universe, I will need a more reliable food servant. I am endeavoring to come up with a suitable punishment for Woman. Hmmm, maybe I'll have a look at those curtains she is so fond of. Yes, that's it. I may have to wait a few days to exact my punishment, for Woman has also had the nerve to cut my claws today all because of one little swipe at a kitten. Hmmmph.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

I have been subjected to the ultimate humiliation at the hands of humans - they brushed my teeth! How disgusting is this? I did my best to tear holes in their flesh in an attempt to stop the torture - all to no avail (although I am proud to say I drew First Blood - picture me with a bandana wrapped around my head emerging dramatically from a rice paddy armed with an AK-47 ... alright ... armed with sharp, pointy claws as deadly as any assault weapon).

As they have clearly decided to escalate their mistreatment of me to include humiliation and torture, I have decided to up the ante. I will no longer be satisfied with global domination. I must conquer the universe.

Must ... get ... opposable thumbs!

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Someday, all of that will be mine! Mwoo ha ha ha ha ha! Mwoo ha ha ha ha ha!Hey, it's not easy to do an evil laugh when your primary spoken word is meow.

I think I'll need to enlist the help of Dog or Puppy in order to escape my current circumstance. That shouldn't be too difficult, throw a morsel of food at them and they think they are your friend for life.

It seems they are allowed out for recreational purposes. This is discriminatory and Woman is obviously a specist. She goes out with Dog and Puppy and plays catch and frisbee with them. The only recreation I am granted is the pleasure of chasing a toy attached to the end of a string. There is a good side to this activity, however. If planned correctly, one can jump and bat at the toy in such a way as to land on the head of the other felines in the house. In particular, this is a good way of getting at the runt Stuff Kitty and the kittens, Benton and Jack. Sometimes, Woman even laughs at this (see, my evil is spreading)!

Anyway, as I was saying, I think I shall enlist the dogs to make a distraction as they are exiting, leaving me free to make my escape. If planned correctly, they can take too long to get out (something which always makes Woman upset), leaving the door open. I can simply engage my Camoufloge Cloak and saunter out with the dogs and Woman will be none the wiser.

To date this plan has not worked, but I blame Dogs for that. They are obviously doing something to interfere with my Camoufloge Cloak, for Woman spots me approaching the door every time.